And this is why

I held off so long on my report card, but I opened it today.
Straight Bs. I got a B in French.
I GOT A B IN HEALTH. Let me repeat that: I GOT A B IN FUCKING HEALTH.
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK my life.

So...don't expect to hear from me for the rest of the weekend, okay?
That is all. You may go.

BAZINGA

I promise that one day, in the near future, I will actually blog instead of posting random bits of writing for other things on here. Promise.
Today is not that day.

This is my last college essay. Yay! Woohoo!


Dreams are the things we live for. Goals are like that, but they're more important because they give us direction and they keep us from wandering aimlessly throughout the universe. Goals allow us to dream big and put everything towards reaching that dream because maybe, just maybe we can make it. That hope, that idea that one day, we can live the dream means everything to us.
Making people happy is the overarching goal in my career and my art. Making people happy, giving them that little pep that keeps their day going, Art makes people happy because it makes people think. When you see something and it invokes an emotional reaction, it's not just the art that's doing that. It's the connection that art can give to people. Not all kinds of art, though. Pictures and movies, they entertain us. They give us a little escape from reality. And while some escapes leave us alone in our own little worlds, art connects us on a level that isn't available any other way.
When I was in kindergarten and the teacher asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up, I said I wanted to be an artist. My goals flitted back and forth for a long time, but after asking myself about it for years and years, I realized that I knew it all along. I was supposed to be an artist. That was why I was always drawing. That was why I was the only kid who liked going to art museums. That was why I read The Series of Unfortunate Events and obsessed over the illustrations, not the words. That was why I watched animated movies long after they were age-appropriate. I was meant to do this, I saw. I just had to figure out how I was going to.
College. I needed to go to college, specifically art school. It was scary though. I didn't know anyone who had gone to art school, and everyone who was looking at colleges was aiming for math and science. I was all alone. Then, Mr. Boyer stepped in. He asked me what I wanted to do with my life, pushed me to figure it out, and do so for myself. I researched. I looked into careers, trying to find the one that was perfect for me. And in the end, I had it narrowed down, but I wasn't sure. I knew I wanted to be commercial more than fine arts, and I knew that I wanted to make things that told stories. I've loved stories for a very long time, and I knew I wanted to have something to do with that. Animation or illustration, those were perfect for me. That is where I belong. And Columbus College of Art and Design is the school that can take me there.
Those goals will guide me through the next for years and on into my career. I hope that I can wake up every day and realize that I'm living the dream and telling stories that light up peoples lives.

Be amazed. For serious.

Non-Fiction Friday?

This is the paper. I promise you, it is really this fantastic in real life. Be amazed.


The Tragedy of Great Power Politics
John J. Mearsheimer

The Tragedy of Great Power Politics by John J. Mearsheimer argues that in a situation of international anarchy, war is inevitable, but is rarer when there are fewer great powers. Therefore, no matter what the circumstances, the world is safer when bipolar than with a multipolar system. Mearsheimer aims to answer the question of why nations go to war by using examples and logic. Through this, he tries to find a way that war can be prevented in the future.

Mearsheimer first establishes his views on the inevitabilities of the international system. States will always seek power, which has held to be true over time. He believes that states pursue power because they fear being left behind other powers. However, since they never know how much power the other nations have, states will just be trying to be stronger, even when they're the strongest power. They use this power in many ways, primarily to protect their state. Once they feel secure, they will use it to expand. In general, nations located on continents are more likely to require vast armies and use those armies to expand their control of the land outside their borders. The important thing is to have the most power relative to the competition, not to reach some point in which a nation would feel confident in their power and see gaining it to be an unnecessary expenditure. International politics is a security competition, not a search for peace. When a nation has more power, it doesn't fear any other nation that may want to attack or expand into their territory. However, this struggle is significantly altered by the addition of nuclear weapons. If there are four great powers and each of them has an unknown number of nuclear weapons, they will all be fearful of each other. They will not invade lesser powers for fear of what their fellow great powers will do in return. They will not attack another great power because they do not know which side has nuclear superiority. In all, great powers that retain an unknown amount of nuclear weapons are less likely to start wars than their non-nuclear counterparts. Although nuclear arms can lessen the threat of a great powers war, they are not a surefire recipe for peace. States use nuclear arms as a way to attain superiority, and superiority is not the same as peace. No great power ever truly aims for peace. In a situation in which one great power is threatening smaller powers, other great powers may involve themselves, but they do not do so simply out of concern for the smaller powers. If a great power is to become involved in a conflict between another great power and a smaller power, they probably believe that the other great power may become a threat to themselves or resources that they value. Even then, entering a conflict as a peacemaker is very risky, given that it is likely to anger the aggressor and if it is not successful, can be disastrous. As few great powers are willing to be martyred for peace, it is rare that a great power will protect a smaller power unless they see considerable rewards involved for them. This section primarily discussed the things that Mearsheimer considers to be basic facts of international relations. The way he manages to use examples from history to support his claims makes it difficult to disagree with him. His points are logical, and it's interesting to see the actions of nations laid out in a way that takes them apart and turns them into case studies to make his views clear.

Mearsheimer then discusses the relationship between wealth and power. His view is simple: wealthier countries have more power. However, there are many conditions that apply to his claim. He separates power into latent power and military power. Latent power is simply how much wealth is in the economy, and military power is the amount of strength in the military. In general, latent power directly correlates to military power, but there are some exceptions. Military power consists of resources, natural and human, and money to invest in military. Latent power also extends into general societal wealth. If wealth is concentrated in a small portion of the population, the latent wealth of the society is not as high as if the wealth was somewhat distributed throughout. Some countries focus solely on latent power because they are not great powers, but smaller powers that are not in danger of being attacked by other powers. Other countries that feel that they are at a high risk of being attacked tend to focus more on military power, disregarding the need for economic influence on the international stage. Power is important if a nation wants to win wars and avoid being crushed by other nations. However, the most powerful nation will not always win. The country that wins in a war will have the best combination of strategy, intelligence, resolve, weather, disease (and lack of), and resources. With this, there have been multiple instances in which the most powerful country in the equation was not the one that left with a victory. Mearsheimer points to the examples of Russia and Napoleonic France as well as the United States and North Vietnam. Between Russia and France, France had significantly more wealth and power, but their army had been fighting for too long and lacked resources. Russia had the weather on their side, and used it to their advantage by letting the French armies freeze before they had the chance to fight. The United States had a huge advantage over North Vietnam in both power and wealth, but North Vietnam had better strategy (one that didn't involve a costly army) and much more resolve.

In the next section, Mearsheimer discusses the importance of land power. He believes that while ships and planes are nice to have around, the real measure of strength is land power, the size of an army. Given that every great power aspires to become a regional hegemon, the ones most likely to become regional hegemons are the nations that maintain armies of considerable size and strength. The United Kingdom proves this point well. Although they were a great power for quite some time, they never attempted regional hegemony because they were stopped by a water barrier and did not have the land strength to expand beyond that. Instead, they turned to colonies as a way to expand power and attain natural resources, without the need to conquer their comrades in Europe. In a modern war, air power can start bombing campaigns and act as the most aggressive part of a military. However, they cannot win a war, and they must be followed by a land army. A navy can be useful in an amphibious operation, but it's collaboration between a nation's army and navy that makes amphibious operations possible. In an invasion situation, a land army is the only force that can topple a dictator and the forces supporting them. In the past, nations have been functioning under the delusion that using special forces to assassinate a dictator would fix an entire country’s problems. This was the idea behind many schemes to kill Fidel Castro during the Cold War. Mearsheimer states that such schemes would not help because the entire government supports the dictator. In addition, it’s quite possible for a country to rally around a fallen leader, which would be counterproductive. Mearsheimer has established very solid claims to the idea that land power is king and all other military merely supports it.
In the section that follows, Mearsheimer explains the different strategies that can be used to retain power. The first is obvious: War. However, it can be controversial and the stakes are high. In addition, it tends to create empires, which are expensive to maintain and generally not beneficial. Blackmail is another strategy, although it rarely works. The bait and bleed strategy is when one power starts a war between to other powers and sits on the sidelines while they bleed each other white. Balancing is when a country avoids war, but insures that their military is adequate, should they be forced into war. Balancing is effective and reigned supreme for most of the Cold War. Bandwagoning, going into war because other people are, and appeasement should be avoided at all costs, as they tend to drag countries into war unnecessarily.
Through his frequent use of examples, Mearsheimer proves his points in a way that makes sense, even to people who have not studied international relations extensively. Although the book is dense and difficult to read, it is very interesting to anyone interested in a historical explanation for the age old question of why nations go to war.

And no, I really didn't have a good reason to post this on my blog.

In which I am incredibly cool

Someone told me that they would be interested to read the blog post I wrote tonight. If the fanbase is built in, then why wouldn't you publish something? So, here goes nothing.
I'm watching Glee. Therefore, this post will be about Glee. Season 1, episode 4. "Give not being homeless a try!" Good episode. And now onto episode 10. Ballads. Schuster needs to find ties that are less ugly. "I could totally sing this song with Finn, but screw him if he thinks he's taking the Diana Ross part from me." That's where the story of PedoWill begins. And Kurt obsesses over Finn, which is hilarious. I also happen to be wearing sunglasses and a beanie. At night. Indoors. It never hurts to be awesome.
I was feeling a little bit of the giddy, hyper, out of no where happiness earlier, and the remnants of it are still with me. I can't stop tapping my feet.
It's official. I'm ditching college and running away to LA to write for my sitcom and later, several romantic comedies. Who needs a degree and a steady job with a paycheck? Why not just be a starving experimental artist?
Party. Woohoo.
I have so much shit to do rage rage rage rage. Should I get a tumblr? No. Should I start writing an epic Klaine (with a little Kurtofsky) fic? Should I laugh my head off at the fact that including Chris Colfer in my ridiculous sitcom webseries was not my idea? Yes. I may have done so.
God, I need to get that novel typed up. I need to type it and edit it and do something with it so I can get it out of my head. And the characterization, the characterization is probably my number one problem. Number two is pacing. I'm sure I'll figure out numbers three to five thousand one hundred seventy two when I actually...erm...read the dumb thing.
I have been feeling more musical than normal as of late. I thought you ought to know. I do not have an explanation for this life change.
So, through deep obsession and careful survey, I have concluded that a shittonne of things are named after Dalton (and there was a "Hummel Industries" as well), the school that the Warblers are from. Businesses, mostly. Signs that I can see driving down I-75. And...this is really weird, but last Friday, after my grandma's funeral, when everything was done, we had to go to the funeral home to get some of the flowers and sign papers or something. I was looking at some paper (not the supposedly official paper that was in COMIC SANS) and noticed that under "Casket" it said...erm...this is weird..."Dalton" No longer will I be telling my awesomance partner about every single time I see something that says "Dalton"
If you're a senior who's on my quiz bowl team, you need to get your butt to practice, mkay? I don't want to be one of three seniors at practice again.

Why, hello, my lovelies

I promise I'll write a real post soon, but in the meantime, I wrote this.
"If Hugo Chavez could stop obsessing over popularity like a Lindsay Lohan stock character, then maybe he could lead the country and bring about change like he was elected to."
It's the best line I've ever written for a school assignment, I do believe.

Go College

So, um, I'm, um, going to college. For real. Unless a deal to control the universe/a million dollar-three-book contract/a gorgeous wealthy man with EU citizenship come my way before next September. And if I'm going to get into college, I have to write an essay. Scary. If you've seen this before, it's changed a lot since then.
AgthisissonervewrackinggahIjustwanttoreadKlainefanfictionalldaylong. That is how I feel. Also, today was a snow day and that was fantastic. Even though my eyelashes froze. And I couldn't feel my thighs.


When I was five, I wanted to be an artist. When I was fifteen, I knew that art was something that I loved, but not something that I could do. A career in art was unattainable. No one ever said that it was impossible, but the feeling was there. I knew there were people who worked as artists and designers, but they were not like me, they were other people. In my junior year, my art teacher pointed out that I had been in his class for three years and asked me what I was going to do with my life. I stuttered out some kind of incomprehensible response involving old buildings. We talked about that for a while, then looked into schools that had programs in historical restoration. Later, I decided that I would much rather make new things. First, I thought that I was going to make buildings. But buildings, after all, have things inside of them. They must have furniture, and without good furniture, no one would appreciate the building from the inside. Without good furniture, the building is just a building; no one can inhabit it and make it into more than just a building. When it becomes something more, it becomes a part of the fabric of our lives, and that is everything to me.
I want to make pretty things. I want to allow people to live with furniture that make their lives easier and more beautiful. But there's more to it than that. I want to create things that work, to design furniture that is effective and attractive without being inaccessible to people. The ability to try and experiment with new things is an important part of my art. I tend to struggle with proportion, but I'm working on making that better. I see this as a challenge that I just need to work to overcome.
My interests other than art are about current events, books, and service to others. I need to know what's going on in the world and I like to be able to intelligently discuss things that are happening in the world. Over time, it seems as though political events have huge effects on the art of the age, and it's very interesting to see correlations between the two. Reading has been a part of my life for as long as art has, and I love the way books can take me out of my normal life and allow me to be a part of something else, to experience a life that I would never reach normally. In the spirit of telling stories that need to be told, I've written a novel every November for the past four years. This is a part of National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo), which embraces the idea of being creative without being self-conscious and just making things. My novels aren't good, but that's not the point. The point is to step outside of your box and do something that is crazy and new and fun. I also volunteer at a camp every summer. I find this to be very valuable and humbling. I'm a counselor who is supposed to be teaching campers about life, but I find that they often teach me more than I could ever teach them.
Everyone who makes things has inspired me to become an artist. By making something, a person can add to the material history that we as humans build. That can be your life's work, making things, and each of those things becomes a part of our collective past. To build the future, we draw things from our collective past, and that gives us an element of the cultural future. It's important, and anyone who creates makes a little part of our future.
Most of the art and culture absorption in my life happens on line. I read blogs about furniture and design. Because these are constantly changing, it's much easier to read blogs and see what people from all over the world think about design and trends than it is to try and find current books and magazines that cover the same things. One of my favorite bloggers is Anna Dorfman from Door Sixteen, who blogs about design, mostly pertaining to book covers and furniture. Without the Internet, my view of art would be limited to the things I see in my daily life and the things I can get from more traditional media. Things change fast, but those changes don't always reach my life immediately. The Internet allows these changes to reach me instantly.
While I attend THIS SCHOOL, I hope to gain the skills necessary to succeed in the furniture business while expanding my knowledge of art. I want to improve my abilities so that I feel comfortable calling myself an artist and feel confident about my work. I've been working towards this goal by taking art classes outside of school and practicing my skills. I want to be someone who adds to that vital material history of our culture.

Isn't it funny...

That I haven't blogged in a week? That I need to write 16,000 words by the end of the month? That I started typing out "Sixteen thousand" because it's two words when "16,000" is just one?

Yes. Of course. All of the above.
College. College relates to all of the things I need to blog about right now. When I say that it relates to all of the things I need to blog about right now, I mean that it loosely relates to some of the things I need to blog about right now.

I'm starting to think that they make applying to college difficult and confusing to convince people not to go to college, which is looking like a better option every day. And then I remember how much I hate flipping burgers, which is what every single person who doesn't go to college ends up doing for their whole entire life, right? Seventy percent* of the U.S. population currently works at McDonald's. When you stop and think about that one for a half second, you realize that the concept is economically and physically impossible. There aren't enough McDonald's in the country to make space for them, and if everyone was working at McDonald's there wouldn't be enough people to buy the food. Also, duh.

Mr.Apgov is very convinced that he's teaching a college course. Whatever, right? Let the teachers think what they want to think, they're not hurting anyone. Except sometimes they are. If anyone reading this blog is in college or has taken a real college course or has ever thought about higher education as a concept, could they please verify the fact that you generally don't focus on regurgitating useless information while you're in college? Or, really, for that matter, while you're in a non-mandatory high school course? We have a project right now that seems to be focused on learning an unnecessary amount about a specific president. Mine is Andrew Jackson, known to be a total jerk and waste of space. Also, he was really into populism, an idea which I'm not terribly fond of. And frankly, I don't think that finding the names of every single person who he ran against in the presidential election will help me on the AP test that I'm not taking**.

So. Thanksgiving was good. Food was good. Leftovers consist only of turkey, turkey soup, and more turkey, which is a massive disappointment. All I want is some mashed potatoes. Is it that difficult, really?
On Buy Nothing Day, I bought stuff, including a prom dress. I'm unnecessarily excited about this dress. If you're someone who has already heard about it, then I'm very sorry. It's a very exciting dress.

I've been watching some...television...on the internet, of late. Dear Fox, please please please, do not show me another advertisement for Panera about how to make the perfect crust (Spritz the bread with water, then spray the inside of the oven!) or Bob's Burgers. That show makes me assume that Family Guy and SouthPark are the height of intelligence and cultural achievement. I am not interested in either of your advertisements. Please, switch things up, just for once. You, like Facebook, could decide that I'm Mormon and give me several thousand advertisements for "LDS Modest Prom Dresses".

*My made up statistic was written like that to make it two words long. I am fantastic.***

**I'm switching out of the class next semester, and it turns out that no one actually cares about AP Gov. Except, of course, State. Everyone wants to go to Michigan or State, for some mysterious and unknown reason. They can't have the best program for everything, guys!

***"Lucio, a fantastic. And he is fantastic." - Mrs. Aplit, who is fantastic.

The thing on my leg

I had lotion on my hand and the sharpie won't write on lotioned flesh. Lotioned is totally a word.

Um. So I've been acting sort of totally messed up this (day, week, month, year) and I've realized exactly why. Thought you should know that. The reasons why are written on my leg. Right leg, inside, nearing ankle territory.

I'm blogging from the outside, where I'm listening to Vampire Weekend and writing. Yay. It's warm today, and that makes me really happy. I'm going to see Hairspray tonight and playing QUIZBOWL tomorrow and going to see the boy in Cinderella tomorrow and it's just great. Yay.

Someone, let's call her Zombie, and I have been becoming kinda friends. And we have gym together. We're swimming next week, and so I must ask the essential question: should I wear a one-piece or two-piece? Big choices here.

Um...what else? There has to be something else. Oh, gymteacherwhotellsusnothingaboutherlife said that her dad was getting married this weekend and that it would be really awkward. I second that opinion. It's always funny to find out stuff about teacher's personal lives. Like when we (I) found Mrs.AP Euro's husband on facebook*.

The novel is...okay. It's going okay, and that's all I have to say about that. I just hate that no matter whose voice I'm trying to write in, it always comes out with this overriding feeling of Samanthaness. Ewww. I don't want to sound like me, just like I wouldn't be myself if I was given any kind of choice in the matter.**

*That never happened. Or maybe it did.

**I told that to someone once and they gave me a very...eugh answer "You should always want to be yourself."

So yeah.

I feel like all y'all deserve something more, but I don't really have anything to give you. So...wanna read my college essay? Yay college.
This was for the architecture school. Just so you know, if that isn't evident. Also, it's kind of dramatic, which...well...maybe wasn't the right thing to go for. Either way, I got in.

I like pretty buildings. I want to make pretty buildings and Lawrence Technological University is the school that can help me achieve my dreams. The first time I remember noticing a building, it was a church. I'm not sure where it was, but it was magnificent. The whole time I was there, my main focus was the ceiling. Where I come from, ceilings look like a flat, white piece of drywall. This was different. There were arches, there was stone, and it merged so effortlessly with the walls and windows that it appeared to be other worldly. Never before had I given thought to a ceiling, but after that, the thoughts wouldn't leave me. I realized I needed more of this, more pretty buildings.
I'm an art kid. I'm the one who turns in a math test covered in doodles, after which I go off to the nirvana of Commercial Art. Commercial Art taught me something that no other art class bothered with: Craftsmanship. Mr. Boyer, my teacher, thought that planning a project out and executing it perfectly was just as important as, if not more important than, having a good idea. I learned from him that a good idea isn't the only factor that goes into a good project, but that you need dedication and attention to the smallest of details to make a finished piece that you can be proud of.
For a long time, I thought that I wasn’t a natural leader. People didn’t gravitate towards the idea of following me, and it was a challenge for me to lead others in the right direction. Then I decided to become a counselor at the camp that I’ve gone to for years. Suddenly, I had to be a leader. People were relying on me. After the initial shock, I realized that I wasn't bad at it, that I could make judgments about the right thing for my group to do. I could persuade people to listen to me, and maybe, just maybe, I was a bit of a leader after all.
Everyone has their hopes and dreams. Some are possible, some aren't, but we cling to them because without them, we would have nothing. I want to re-purpose old buildings or design easy-to-construct, durable shelters for disaster victims. I want to make things that cause people to question the assumptions that they used to make about buildings. A building can change the world. I want to make magic, and architecture is that magic.
Lawrence Technological University can help me make magic and change the world through architecture. My leadership skills, dreams, and attention to detail will make me a successful architect.

Stalin's in the Closet

Michelle: Where's Stalin?
Mrs. AP Euro: Stalin's in the closet.
Here's the real question: is it homophobic to laugh at that? I don't think so.
I vaguely remember some article or pictures somewhere of a bunch of nude drawings that Stalin censored and wrote things on. Whatever he wrote, it made someone think he was gay. I got on google (because that is what I do) and found this and this piece of crap and this. Cooper Union, why do you have to be so hard to get into and so cool and so free?
It seems like sexuality has come up in about 16 bizgillion conversations of late.
I do not know why that is.

"It was the imperial dream of a feudal age that made men enslave others."

That's from Native Son. Page 389.

Today's post is a list. I'm Samantha, and I think in lists. We talked about lists in health today and about ho they help me manage stress. Also, Mrs.Health teacher asked me if hi!School had gone by so fast and my answer was a resounding no. And no, the past three years were not the best years of my life either, because that would be sad and pathetic.

On with the list.

1. I think some grumpy old man called me a bitch today because I had the audacity to turn left at a four way stop. He was driving a black Chevy (impala?).

2. Peter brought gummy bears to quizbowl today. As always, I was cautious when taking food from Peter* but these gummy bears were mostly normal. A little bit less waxy and tasting more like actual fruit than regular gummy bears, but still good.

3. We spent half of quizbowl studying art today, but...there were so many things they just...didn't know.

4. The network went down at school today, and everything went crazy. It felt like what going to school 20 years ago felt like, but with elmos instead of overhead projectors.

5. Water-based markers of vellum!?!? Crazymaking.

*Remember the rice wine? That was gross and tasted like rubbing alcohol.

This post comes to you in five parts

Part One

Homecoming! Was great! Yay! People were pretty! We dared to venture into the middle grinding pit and came out sweaty and disgusting and in desperate need of a shower.

I started feeling a little bit nostalgic. This is my last homecoming. Ever.

Part Two

Jo. On Oprah! I watched it. Most of the stuff she said was in other video interviews*, but it was still cool. She's still my role model. Also, she's said before that she's estranged from her father, but in the interview, Oprah asked if she cared to share her reasons, and she said no. It really makes me wonder. Inventing possible histories right now.

Part Three

Quizbowl. I love quizbowl. It's great. But this year, it's kind of different. I feel weird about it.

Part Four

College! Columbus is looking nicer and nicer. I'm thinking about illustration more and more. I have no idea what I would do in illustration, but it looks...cool.

Part Five

I got into a college today**. Massive relief. My interview wasn't so much an interview as a "Let me recalculate your gpa. You're in. You should apply for scholarships. Take a free pen!"

No really, they had purple pens. It was awesome.

*Yes. I've watched them. ALL.

**So, uhh, if I wanted to...I could go to school for architecture. OH EM GEE CHOICES HOW WILL I COPE WITH ALL THE CHOICES PANIC TIME.

Seniortisis

It's like elephantisis. Only not.
I'm a senior. It's class colour day*. I'm just now realizing that I'm a senior, and people know I'm a senior, and this is my last year of school. This is the last time that I'm going to be amazed at the sheer number of juniors around me**. This is the las time for all of this, and I'm overcome with a weird sort of nastolgia. I need to do something to make my mark or be memorable or something, anything to be excited about. I need some more colour, we've had a lot of black and white lately. What should I do***?
*Yes, I will get you a pictureof what I'm wearing at some point in time.
**Juniors wear red. It always looks like there's a million of them.
*** Before you say it, no I will not memorize the City on a Hill speach. Or the Cross of Gold speech, or any other prime examples of American oratorial tradition. It's just not happening.

I'm just...

I feel...I don't know how I feel. I'm trying to work on art, but nothing's working. I'm going no where. I was going to go for a run tonight, since I've been trying to do that before bed, but then my mom tells me about how she's so worried when I go out late at night and could I at least take Richie? Eugh. Nothing's working. It feels like I'm failing at everything, from Art to Gov to Quiz Bowl. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to do anything, because everything is futile now.
I haven't been blogging as much as I was a week ago. I wrote this one post, but it wasn't any good and it was the kind of thing that makes people worried about you.
I filled six pages of my sketchbook today. I got this new, little sketchbook, so the pages fill a lot faster. I've filled 26 pages since the 2nd of this month. 26 pages, 12 days...there's two hundred pages in the sketchbook. How long until it's filled? You do the math. I'm an art kid. It's around 90 days, isn't it?
I'm kind of done with feeling. Just sort of...feeling empty right now. It'll go away, it always does. I think I need more purpose or more motivation or less apathy or something to break me out of robot mode, which I'm clearly in right now. I feel like there's kind of no purpose to school anymore, it just takes up a lot of time that could be better used for other types of pursuits. During AP Gov, I could be sleeping. I like AP Lit, even when I don't understand three quarters of the things people say. During Health, I could be sleeping or eating sugar filled foods or listening to musical soundtracks on Grooveshark or having sex or smoking pot or doing a variety of things that probably don't contribute to my health in a positive way.* During Gym, I could be gaining skills that will be useful in real life and also not involve sweating and being warm, which I have a personal adversity to. Heck, I could be searching for my spousal visa instead of Gym. My spousal visa to a country where they have longer lifespans and less Gym than the United States. During IR...I like IR. During French...well...I could be sitting in the guidance office, waiting to meet with people about onsite admissions, which I did for forty minutes of a fifty-five minute blockthing today.
I haven't told my parents that I'm doing onsite admissions. Any idea where I might be able to find my social security card? They're being kind of useless about the whole college thing, so I figure that telling them wouldn't do me any good. I wouldn't have told them about like...National Portfolio Review Day if I trusted myself to find the college where it's at all on my own.
While I was wasting time in the guidance office, I found their little pile of Ringling advertisements. Ringling is known for animation... I've been thinking about animation... and RIT is going to be at Portfolio Review, so I can check them out like my art teacher has been urging me to.
I kind of hate this shit.
I kind of think that I would be better off born in a different era, when college wasn't considered such a necessity.
I hate those days when it feels like my life belongs to school. Today was one of those days.
*I still don't get why pot is so bad for you.

Awesum Possum

I could have spelled awesome right, but then it wouldn't visually rhyme.
I got home at 1:55, when school is supposed to end. That was awesome.
I have French last, and I have people in that class. 'Tis awesome. Also, FRANCE.
I have IR before French. It was...okay. The student teacher reminds me of...someone else*...an awful lot.
I have Gym before IR. It's gonna suck.
I have Health before gym. I don't think the teacher likes me very much.
I have Lit before Health. PETER IS IN THIS CLASS, thus, it is amazing. And awesome.
I have Gov before Lit. It's early. Awfully early.
I'm going to finish my objectives and then work on (dun dun dun) art.
Awesum.

Contemplate

It's the eve of my last first day of grade school ever.* I should have something to say, something about friends and learning and everything that's changed me over the years, but I don't. All I can think about is how much I don't want to go tomorrow, how much I don't want to write this stupid AP Gov essay, and how much I would rather be at camp right now. I was there earlier today. It seems wrong that I can move from a place like camp, where I feel at home, to a place where I don't want to be at all and is slowly sucking my soul in less than 24 hours.
The soul sucking is speeding up.
I still don't want to go.
I hate this essay. Hopefully the teacher will think that I don't know how to write and have very low expectations for me. Because that's all that's getting written tonight.
I'm so done with school.
I'm going to work on the architectural/Escher drawing every evening this week until I'm finished with the inking. This will take eons.
*Smile and nod. I know that it didn't make sense.

My Book Review

This is for AP Gov. It's still in progress, so any help you can offer is very welcome.

I am the kind of person who likes books, but I just couldn't stand Hardball.

Hardball's first turn-off to me was the cover. If you're a supermodel or Johnny Depp, it's okay to put a picture of you on the cover of your book. If you're a rather unattractive guy with a bad eye and nose combination, then your picture should be reserved for the back flap. The book is something of a manual for the aspiring politician. Matthews begins by telling us how important it is to meet and make friends with every available person, especially the people who we might come into contact with later in our political carrears. He uses Johnson as an example of someone who, unable to persuade masses of voters, sold his policies retail through connections in Washington. He tried to make those connections when he first got to Washington, introducing himself to every other congressional secretary. Later, when he was elected to congress, he did his research, learning everything there was to know about the habits of his fellow Democratic senators. He would persuade them one by one, that they were the most important person to him and that he cared about the things that they wanted. Johnson was an old style politician, never fully understanding television and the huge role that it would soon play in national politics, and choosing to avoid cameras at a time when many others would have welcomed them. Matthews then moves on to discussing the contrasting strategies of Carter and Regan. Carter, running as an outsider to Washington, never associated with influential Democrats and even sold the presidental yacht, which had been useful in persuading congresmen to pass bits of legislation. Regan was much smarter in his strategy, running on the same kind of outsider platform, yet he managed to make friends with influential people, which ended up being rather useful to him. Next, Matthews goes on to explain how all politics is local, a chapter that can be boiled down to one sentence: No mattter how big you get, don't forget the people who got you there. In the third chapter, we learn how to enlist supporters who care an awful lot about your cause. If they feel as though they've helped you, they're invested in you. Once they're invested in you, they'll do anything to help you win. In this chapter, Matthews uses Carter to explain the perfect way to create a network of supporters. Carter would round up Democratic candidates who had lost their races and enlist them and their supporters. The people who had lost would be looking for something new and someone who wasn't like the standard presidental candidate. Before his candidacy, Carter was a nobody, but this network that he had created made him into someone who was the underdog, with lots of underdog supporters. The Kennedys had a similar strategy, in which they asked their costituants to help them gain office, and when they were elected, they had supporters, not just voters on their side. The next chapter focuses on the party equivilant of being loyal to your voters, which is keeping your promises. If you say you'll never raise taxes, you should never raise taxes, no matter who in washington is pressuring you to do so. Your party helped you get where you are, and you have to do the things they expect you to do. This also means that it's mandatory to associate yourself with the right kind of people. If there's a scandal involving someone who you're close to, the scandal can bring you down too. The next chapter has a very simple point, which is to watch your enemies far more closely than you would ever watch your friends. The sixth chapter follows trend and tells us the entire point of the chapter in the title, which is “Don't get mad; don't get even; get ahead” Instead of getting mad and, most likely, doing something stupid, just ignore it and move on. Matthews uses the example of a campaign manager on a vandetta to get rid of a former employer. He was successful, but it was unnessecary and, frankly, quite silly. At the end of the chapter, he uses an example of Newt Gingrich causing the shut down of the government all because he had to sit at the back of Air Force One. Matthews hits the point home that getting even in politics will only succeed in making you look foolish. The next chapter focuses on how to react when you're criticized. Matthews reccomends catching everything thrown at you and either refuting it or admitting to it and doing your very best to spin it. One way to spin things is to hang a lantern on your defects. If you're not from washington and you aren't nearly as influential as other candidates, you say that you don't come from washington and you're just a regular guy, someone they can identify with. The next chapter is obvious in it's point, but so many people miss it. No one, especially not a politician, should ever talk unless they know they're going to say something that makes them look smart. When you're silent, you're always the smartest one in the room. When you dare to open your mouth, it gets to be questionable. The chapter after this focuses on how to persuade others, agreeing with them on point after point, and then bringing them over to your side for a single point, the one thing you disagree upon. The next chapter focuses on the exact same thing as the third chapter ago, in reacting to criticism. Most authors would have combined reiterative chapters, but not our dear friend Matthews. Nope, he gives us the same stupid message over and over. Thanks for that. The next chapter goes on and on about the same concept, spinning news so that it suits your interests. The rest of the stupidest fucking book that I've ever read goes on and on about the. Same. Exact. Thing.

No one cares. Also, the author is ugly.

It's April and I am full. Of ANGST.

So. It's April now, if you're curious. I didn't participate in any April fools jokes, because I felt it would better contribute to the teenage angst and apathy that I write about on my blog.
Such is my life.
I made a mad power grab at school today, and this has contributed to me feeling more and more that I don't fit in here. It's not the fault of this town, I just think that we have very different values and would be much better suited to be far apart. I never wanted to be part of their social contract, and they didn't particularly want me to be a part of their social contract.
There is a question bouncing around my mind, and it's probably bouncing around your mind too. Am I really expecting to fit in anywhere? The way I'm talking, it's like I expect there to be some kind of utopia waiting for me, where there's people who value the same things I value, whatever they are. I'm starting to think that the utopia doesn't exist, and that maybe, everything I've been imagining isn't there. It's just non-existent, and the idea exists purely to disappoint people like me.
This sounds terribly depressive, but it feels like the light at the end of the tunnel is fading, and maybe I will end up with the trappings of life.
That idea makes me want to puke.
And, on a slightly more uplifting note, I've been thinking about characters. We're reading A Streetcar Named Desire in English, and the characters are all characters. That was slightly redundant, but it's true. They all have the molds that they fit into, and they're very stuck in them. Blanche is the fading southern belle who loves to creep on people, Stanley is the bestial one, and Stella is the sort of weak little one. They all fit into one role, and it works. I do not know how to write like that. And also, I do not know what makes this play good. I think it's kind of boring, and hard to follow, but that's true (in my opinion, to some extent) of plays in general. The exception, of course, was Death of a Salesman. That was good, and I'm not sure why.
Moral of the story: I am full of angst, and I need a mold to fit into because I'm not sure of myself. Also, I need to get off of this nostalgia for the future kick that I've been on for the past year.

Blag

So I've kind of been in this rut for a while now. I don't know what I want to do with my life, and I'm not really good at anything, and I don't know where I want to go to college, and hey! the earth is still spinning. Time is still moving foreward. I need to get a move on my, erm, life.
And that's worrying. That's big and scary and everything I do seems to matter right now. Instead of empowering and motivating me, it's paralyzing me, and I can't make any decisions and I can't move for fear of messing something up, something that will change the course of my entire life.
I'm a little freaked out about this. And apparently HayleyGHoover and Kristina are feeling the same way. They're in college. Is this a feeling that you're supposed to get when you're in college, not hi!school? Huh.
So that's how I've been feeling for the past month or so.
Also, how ironic is it that my house burned down on the Ides of March? How sad is it that I realized this only recently?

My, erm, life

Gee, why don't we just apply that title to the whole blog? Would you read a blog named "My, Erm, Life"?
No, really. Would you?
Anyway, I'm taking the ACT part of the MME tomorrow. Contrary to the belief of some individuals, I'm not mad about the fact that I have to take it. Yes, I am kind of irritated that the state is forcing me to take the MME, even though the money that was once attached to it has been cut. Just wanted to say that.
All of this makes me freak out about career stuff a lot more. It seems like the things I'm interested in are not the same things that any employer is interested in, and that worries me. A lot. And more than that, I'm worried that I'm going to have to do something terrible and boring, because I'm not going to be able to get a job otherwise.
Why are all the fields that result in employment terrible and boring?
I've been thinking, and if I was to go into some kind of "sensible" career, like business, I would want to be in publishing.
Please note that my "sensible" option is the least sensible option out there, in terms of business.
I feel like I'm kind of screwed.