Thursday, April 1, 2010

It's April and I am full. Of ANGST.

So. It's April now, if you're curious. I didn't participate in any April fools jokes, because I felt it would better contribute to the teenage angst and apathy that I write about on my blog.
Such is my life.
I made a mad power grab at school today, and this has contributed to me feeling more and more that I don't fit in here. It's not the fault of this town, I just think that we have very different values and would be much better suited to be far apart. I never wanted to be part of their social contract, and they didn't particularly want me to be a part of their social contract.
There is a question bouncing around my mind, and it's probably bouncing around your mind too. Am I really expecting to fit in anywhere? The way I'm talking, it's like I expect there to be some kind of utopia waiting for me, where there's people who value the same things I value, whatever they are. I'm starting to think that the utopia doesn't exist, and that maybe, everything I've been imagining isn't there. It's just non-existent, and the idea exists purely to disappoint people like me.
This sounds terribly depressive, but it feels like the light at the end of the tunnel is fading, and maybe I will end up with the trappings of life.
That idea makes me want to puke.
And, on a slightly more uplifting note, I've been thinking about characters. We're reading A Streetcar Named Desire in English, and the characters are all characters. That was slightly redundant, but it's true. They all have the molds that they fit into, and they're very stuck in them. Blanche is the fading southern belle who loves to creep on people, Stanley is the bestial one, and Stella is the sort of weak little one. They all fit into one role, and it works. I do not know how to write like that. And also, I do not know what makes this play good. I think it's kind of boring, and hard to follow, but that's true (in my opinion, to some extent) of plays in general. The exception, of course, was Death of a Salesman. That was good, and I'm not sure why.
Moral of the story: I am full of angst, and I need a mold to fit into because I'm not sure of myself. Also, I need to get off of this nostalgia for the future kick that I've been on for the past year.

2 Fab Fans:

Bianka Rose said...

Firstly, it's called the Phalanstery. Fourier/AP Euro FTW.
Secondly, "A Streetcar Named Desire" was a good play. It's like "Death of a Salesman": I like it, but it's hard to define quite *why* I like it.

Aeromax said...

like on a scale of "hostages" to "missile silos", how mad would you say aforementioned mad power grab really was?

aside, i don't know that anyone really wanted to be a part of their own social contract. if people really wanted to (and knew they were going to) follow through on a promise there would be no need for a contract.

unfortunately, i can give no advice on fitting in, as i do it even less than most people could ever hope to (practice makes perfect?), but the way i see it no two people are ever going to value the same things precisely. i've met people who had the same interests as me, the same opinions, the same hobbies and the same visions, but they turned out to be dickheads. not quite sure how that relates to anything else, but i guess you can never really tell who you're going to get along with? maybe i should delete that sentence. and this one. i won't though.

seeing a bit of yourself in every person you meet can either be the best feeling or the worst one, and only you can decide which