Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I'm just...

I feel...I don't know how I feel. I'm trying to work on art, but nothing's working. I'm going no where. I was going to go for a run tonight, since I've been trying to do that before bed, but then my mom tells me about how she's so worried when I go out late at night and could I at least take Richie? Eugh. Nothing's working. It feels like I'm failing at everything, from Art to Gov to Quiz Bowl. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to do anything, because everything is futile now.
I haven't been blogging as much as I was a week ago. I wrote this one post, but it wasn't any good and it was the kind of thing that makes people worried about you.
I filled six pages of my sketchbook today. I got this new, little sketchbook, so the pages fill a lot faster. I've filled 26 pages since the 2nd of this month. 26 pages, 12 days...there's two hundred pages in the sketchbook. How long until it's filled? You do the math. I'm an art kid. It's around 90 days, isn't it?
I'm kind of done with feeling. Just sort of...feeling empty right now. It'll go away, it always does. I think I need more purpose or more motivation or less apathy or something to break me out of robot mode, which I'm clearly in right now. I feel like there's kind of no purpose to school anymore, it just takes up a lot of time that could be better used for other types of pursuits. During AP Gov, I could be sleeping. I like AP Lit, even when I don't understand three quarters of the things people say. During Health, I could be sleeping or eating sugar filled foods or listening to musical soundtracks on Grooveshark or having sex or smoking pot or doing a variety of things that probably don't contribute to my health in a positive way.* During Gym, I could be gaining skills that will be useful in real life and also not involve sweating and being warm, which I have a personal adversity to. Heck, I could be searching for my spousal visa instead of Gym. My spousal visa to a country where they have longer lifespans and less Gym than the United States. During IR...I like IR. During French...well...I could be sitting in the guidance office, waiting to meet with people about onsite admissions, which I did for forty minutes of a fifty-five minute blockthing today.
I haven't told my parents that I'm doing onsite admissions. Any idea where I might be able to find my social security card? They're being kind of useless about the whole college thing, so I figure that telling them wouldn't do me any good. I wouldn't have told them about like...National Portfolio Review Day if I trusted myself to find the college where it's at all on my own.
While I was wasting time in the guidance office, I found their little pile of Ringling advertisements. Ringling is known for animation... I've been thinking about animation... and RIT is going to be at Portfolio Review, so I can check them out like my art teacher has been urging me to.
I kind of hate this shit.
I kind of think that I would be better off born in a different era, when college wasn't considered such a necessity.
I hate those days when it feels like my life belongs to school. Today was one of those days.
*I still don't get why pot is so bad for you.

2 Fab Fans:

LittleTree said...

Nice to see you. I enjoy reading your thoughts. Have a wonderful day.

Bianka Rose said...

I know the feeling.
And it's kinda funny--I was thinking about how much time I waste at school and the ways in which I could be utilizing it better by not doing stupidly useless things in Wellness. School is just a chore anymore and I'm sick of high school. I need to get to college. Stat. Without the whole admissions process and the worrying about money bit.
Magic balls make everything better, by the way.