Because I have a problem

The whole concept of the short story blog is sort of enchanting. It would be like 52 Stories, only they would all be by me. And it would be good to experiment with different concepts without the commitment of something longer. And it would force me to write when it's not NaNo time, something that, if you read my blog, you will realize that I'm not the best at.
What do you think? Will it go the way of Shakespeare or World History?

Nanowrimo...and...

I'm thinking about my NaNoWriMo right now. I have ten characters (well, I will have ten. Now, I have five) which is pretty much record breaking. I think the real purpose of this year is to make me a better writer. Their are more characters than I normally have, they should all be presented in somewhat different styles, and most importantly, there will be dialogue! And descriptions!
You should be excited too.
But I'm not sure if I like it. I mean, the whole plot is the sort of thing that could be good when done right and terrible when done wrong. I suppose that's true with most book concepts, but it's especially obvious with this one. It's a bunch of characters who are each linked to each other, but they don't see the bigger picture of how they're all linked together. That explanation doesn't make sense, does it? It's like a chain. The first link doesn't realize that it's linked to the last one, just to the second link. So when one person does something, they're affecting all the other characters, but they don't really think of that.
What do you think about that idea? Should I ditch it and write something that takes place entirely in one person's head *cough*Milton*cough* like I always do? Should I go the fantasy route, even though I don't really like to read fantasy? The exceptions to this are Harry Potter and As You Wish, which is considered urban fantasy, probably why I like it. The main issue with me and fantasy is that it too often avoids thinking of the characters of people who have normal feelings and normal reactions by just thinking that it doesn't have anything to do with reality. Or should I write science fiction? I've always sort of thought of that as an extension of fantasy...
Before I started writing this post, I had a very concrete idea, but now I have crazy random concepts swirling around me and not a clue what should actually happen.

Laws of the Universe

That, in short, is physics. Or at least what I understand physics to be about. I think I like physics because it all works, and it's solid. it's not some abstract concept that's all subjective. That's what solid is.
I went to a funeral home tonight, and that was when I realized that the laws of the universe don't always work. It was the visitation for my friend's dad.
The laws of the universe say that sixteen year olds don't lose their fathers. The laws of the universe say that really awesome people don't die. The laws of the universe say that people who can't handle that sort of thing shouldn't have to go. The laws of the universe say that no one should have to bury their child.
I know what you're saying. You're asking why I haven't realized this before. It's not like this is the first time I've known someone who died. Wasn't Steven's death more of a injustice?
That was breaking the laws of the universe too. Kids shouldn't die, and people my age shouldn't have their parents die. That just isn't the way it's supposed to work.
And how are you supposed to deal with that? Can you really get over that?
And now I have to think of something that I did tonight to write about for French, because lord knows I'm not writing about this.

Horrible

Two horrible things are happening right now.
I'm working on my Quiz Bowl thing. It's not going well. It's taking forever, mostly because the internet is a very big place with lots of exciting things. Much more exciting than the Civil War.
I have an idea. It's one of those ideas that's bad enough to actually do. It involves the internet and painful writing related challenges.

Let's face it

My default blog post format is a list. This is a terribly exciting list of number one things. Because I'm a winner.
Number one thing that worries me-APUSH, because I don't think we're ever going to get through it all
Number one thing that I am excited about- NaNoWriMo, because my idea is such a win. And if it wasn't for it, I would have started the thing already, but it sort of needs more time to...marinate.
Number one thing that made my day-Connie coming to Physics with me!
Number one thing that made my day yesterday- Fred telling me that my input was useful in writing this article about camp.
Number one thing that made my day the day before yesterday- Realizing that I had 199 volunteer hours over the summer.
Number one thing that I must finish tonight-My quizbowl thing. I'm presenting tomorrow, and it's...barely started. Woohoo for procrastination!
Number one thing that I must finish before Friday-My failed physics lab.....
Number one thing that I must finish sometime, preferably in the next month- That horrible story that is sort of the bane of my existence, but will not get out of my mind unless I actually finish it, and "They all died. Scar."* is not going to cut it.
Number one thing that makes me sad- Debate this year. It's just...eugh.
Number one thing that I have a one track mind about writing a bill about-Farm Subsidies. They're really really bad. Well, they're bad in the form in which they're executed in America, making corn much too cheap to grow, which causes it to be a huge part of the American diet. And then we send food to developing countries, which makes us look good, but completely ruins their economies.
Number one thing that I want people to shut up and make a decision about already- The healthcare debate.
Number one thing that I know all the freshmen will write bills about-The healthcare debate. Or there's the classic abortion bill, but I like to think that that debate might be done finally.
Number one thing that I should not be doing right now- Blogging.
*If you get that, please note that we should probably be best friends whose conversations are laced with Harry Potter references.

Quote of the Month?

"It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat."
Teddy Roosevelt
I actually took a picture to accompany this, but...let's just say that some ideas work better in my head than they work in real life.
Is it tragic that my biggest accomplishment in the past few days had been watching all of JK Rowling: A year in the life? And that I've written next to nothing on the story?
Yeah, that's pretty tragic.
I really need to blog about a bunch of stuff, but I'm not sure when I'll get around to it. There might be a braindump in the next week or so.

Back to the Future

I really do love the Back to the Future movies. But they're not completly relevant to this post. Deal.

I started school yesterday. It was fine, pretty uneventful. My first class was World History, which made me nostalgic for Euro. Euro was amazing, but I don't think World History will be as good. But we watched a video today that said "From the office of Charles and Ray Eames" at the beginning, which made me a little bit more excited than I should have been. I mean, Eames videos for school!?!? It wasn't as good as I expected, and it had nothing to do with their furniture, which made me a little sad. Next time, we are watching a video about furniture, not get my hopes up with the Eames intro and have it be about scale.

And then I went to French. I haven't taken French since I was a freshman, and that's a longer gap than anybody else in the class. Win, there. Actually, I'm worried. But we got French names, and mine is Margot. Sort of like Margo.

It's the little things that matter.

And then I went to APUS, which should be a good class. A pretty small one too, only 17 people. We did this activity about a house that is now in Greenfield Village. Apparently Henry Ford was walking around, pointing at houses that he wanted to buy and haul off to Greenfield Village, and this house was one of them. His people took some pictures of the outside, took the walls apart, and sent it to Dearborn, where it sat in storage for thirty years. Then, someone finds it and decides to put it back together to display it. They have no idea what it looks like on the inside, because they didn't take any pictures of the inside. THEY DIDN'T TAKE ANY PICTURES OF THE INSIDE. Why would you do this? They had cameras, at the very least, they could have drawn out a floorplan or something. What was wrong with these people?

Physics should be good. My teacher is really into the idea of our class being a family (yes, this reminds me of freedom writers. Not sure if that's good or bad.) I was sort of in awe today when he explained how much he loves physics. It started out like "You guys are so lucky to be taking physics. Out of all the sciences, what? Chemistry, it's all based around the atom, and the atom is just modern physics. Biology, that's just classifying stuff. But physics, physics is everything."

And then QuizBowl, where I felt completly out of it. Just all unmotivated and horrible. Ehh... I'm going again tomorrow, and it has to be better than this!

I feel like I'm adjusting to school much faster than I have before. It's the second day, but it feels like I've been here weeks. Huh.

Reasoning

I don't really want to go back to school. I mean, it's nice to be on a schedule again, to have concrete objectives and everything. I'd like to see everyone again, to be back at quizbowl again. Classes are going to be good, I think. This will be the first time in Hi! School when I haven't had English first semester, first block. Funny.
So it really does sound like I should like going back to school.
But going there every day exerts this negative energy over me. I ignore it for a while, but tonight, I started thinking about it again. The conversation started innocently enough, my mom was asking me when I was planning to work next week. I was going to work on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. She tells me that she's worried about me getting home at nine on Tuesday and not having any of my homework done. I tell her that it's the first day of school, the homework usually amounts to bringing back a signed syllabus and academic honesty sheet. Not too hard, I should be able to work. But that's not what I'm thinking. What I'm thinking is that no matter how much time I have to do it, I'll never do it well enough. Hell, I'll probably just procrastinate and not end up doing it at all, that's how you fail classes that you should be good at. It won't be as easy as everyone else makes it look, and even when I give it everything I have, I'll fall short. I'm the one who had all the chances, who had everything going for her, and threw it all away. I'm the weak one, the failure. And I try to stop it, try to tell myself that I can change, but I'm stuck on the downward spiral, negative after negative chasing me. There's always that point, when that one thing sets me off and I'm stuck thinking of how horrible I am at everything I try, no matter what I can find a way to fail, to fuck it up. That's me, the fuckup.
I wanted this school year to start out optimistic. That's what I do, I convince myself that I can change, then I go right back to my old habits. But now, that hopeful veneer is blown early on, and I'm stuck here.

So of course I'm excited to go back to school.

The funny thing is, I felt totally optimistic an hour ago. I could conquer the (value) world. I was looking at colleges. I was figuring out the rejection rate for City Year. I was making big plans, getting all nostalgic for the future, then this thing just hits me. I can't be here right now.

Swoon

This is amazing. If you are live near me and are my friend (and happen to be in the market for a limo) I strongly encourage you to buy this. And drive me around.