Thursday, September 3, 2009

Reasoning

I don't really want to go back to school. I mean, it's nice to be on a schedule again, to have concrete objectives and everything. I'd like to see everyone again, to be back at quizbowl again. Classes are going to be good, I think. This will be the first time in Hi! School when I haven't had English first semester, first block. Funny.
So it really does sound like I should like going back to school.
But going there every day exerts this negative energy over me. I ignore it for a while, but tonight, I started thinking about it again. The conversation started innocently enough, my mom was asking me when I was planning to work next week. I was going to work on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. She tells me that she's worried about me getting home at nine on Tuesday and not having any of my homework done. I tell her that it's the first day of school, the homework usually amounts to bringing back a signed syllabus and academic honesty sheet. Not too hard, I should be able to work. But that's not what I'm thinking. What I'm thinking is that no matter how much time I have to do it, I'll never do it well enough. Hell, I'll probably just procrastinate and not end up doing it at all, that's how you fail classes that you should be good at. It won't be as easy as everyone else makes it look, and even when I give it everything I have, I'll fall short. I'm the one who had all the chances, who had everything going for her, and threw it all away. I'm the weak one, the failure. And I try to stop it, try to tell myself that I can change, but I'm stuck on the downward spiral, negative after negative chasing me. There's always that point, when that one thing sets me off and I'm stuck thinking of how horrible I am at everything I try, no matter what I can find a way to fail, to fuck it up. That's me, the fuckup.
I wanted this school year to start out optimistic. That's what I do, I convince myself that I can change, then I go right back to my old habits. But now, that hopeful veneer is blown early on, and I'm stuck here.

So of course I'm excited to go back to school.

The funny thing is, I felt totally optimistic an hour ago. I could conquer the (value) world. I was looking at colleges. I was figuring out the rejection rate for City Year. I was making big plans, getting all nostalgic for the future, then this thing just hits me. I can't be here right now.

3 Fab Fans:

fiberfiend6891 said...

Hey, I've been there - trust me. Just remember that the feeling never lasts forever - you were optimistic an hour ago and you will be again. And it's impossible that you're horrible at everything - for one, you're an awesome writer, and for two, as you tell it, you're pretty damn good at quizbowl, too. And I'm sure there's tons of other stuff!
Stick with it, things'll look up.

Bianka Rose said...

You're not a screw-up. Be optimistic; it's junior year so after this only one more year, plus you're an upper classmen. It's already looking brighter than normal, right? Take it one day at a time and just try to focus when necessary. You'll be fine :)

Quiz bowl! I'm so excited it starts the first day of school!

Andrea said...

This year is going to be supakickass. So much so that I had to drop the er and replace it with an a. That means SOMETHING.

But yeah... I think by next week we're going to have to stop working during the week... I'll have English, Pre Calc, and World History homework probably every night.

I have this feeling for the first half of this semester I am going to fail and have super terrible time management issues.