Saturday, December 31, 2011

Unleashing the crazy

Hey!  You!  Read this and give me some life advice to ignore!
On with it.
I'm not really sure what I'm doing with my life, like at all.  If you've been reading for a while, you will have noticed that this is a trend.  It's a major trend, I would say.
Welp.  I am a world-class worrier.

I like design.  I like writing.  I'm not ever really sure what I want to be doing and what I should be doing, and that's kind of a problem.
I'm worried that I went to Kendall because it was easy.  I knew I would get in, I knew I would do fine.  There's not a competitive atmosphere, there's not any risk of failing.  There's also not a huge risk of wild success.  It's sometimes pretty meh.  On a day to day basis, I'm fairly happy, I'm not unhappy, at least.  But when I step back and look at it, I'm questioning everything and wondering what I'm doing with my life.  Eugh.
You know that awkward moment when you see a picture on facebook from a party that your close friends were at, that was at the house of someone who you're pretty good friends with, and you weren't invited?  Yeah.  That.  It's fine, though.
It seems like all my friends are having a great time at college, and I'm having an alright time.  When I think of that, I then think of how many people have asked me how college is, and how many times I've responded with "great" or something similar.  Maybe we're all lying to ourselves and the people around us.
I am positive of my ability to be reasonably successful in furniture.  I am positive that I can get through seven more semesters at Kendall, barring some sort of personal trainwreck.
I think I want more than reasonably successful and getting through.  I want some sort of fulfillment.  I don't know how to get that.
Also, I feel like there's this whole college experience that I'm missing out on because Kendall is a commuter school and isn't very high powered.  I kind of want to be normal, in this aspect.  Is that just me reverting to Samantha at elevenish, and wanting to, for once, be like everyone else?  Probably.  Is all of this uncertinty just me taking internal insecurities and foisting them onto Kendall, blaming the school I go to for all my problems?  Most likely.
I kind of wish I could take a semester/year/decade off to just figure everything out, but I know that wouldn't work.  I would just waste time.  A lot of it.
I feel like I'm wasting time at Kendall.
You're supposed to get a lot better at art in your foundations year.  I'm halfway through, and not much has changed.  I want to go back to figure drawing, please.  I think I have to take that class as a junior or something.  Sigh.
I'm not sure I should be doing furniture.  I would switch to industrial, but I kind of hate computers.  All of them, all the time.  That's a lie, but it's the reason that I'm not an industrial design major already.  I kind of wish that I had been born fifty years ago, so that I could do industrial design without having to deal with all the computerized bullshit.
Maybe I should just quit art and go on a crazy trip around the universe that will give me stories to tell people for the rest of my life and go to a big, normal university and study something that will lead to the same brand of success that my friends from high school have.  It's like, in a weird and twisted way, being unhealthily skinny.  I know that I'm the kind of person who's bigger than wanting that, but I have moments where I want it anyway.  I have moments of wanting both of those things, sometimes.  I'm confident.  I like who I am.  I don't need approval from other people.  I don't care what anyone else thinks.  Right?  Right?  I want to be that kind of person, but deep down, I'm not.

Well.  That happened.  And you read it.
There's another college that I might apply to, because I know that if I apply, I'll get in, and then I'll flip out and wonder what I'm doing with my life and why I'm doing it and everything that I do.  Because we don't have enough of that already.  If you apply as a transfer student, do they need to see your high school transcript and ACT?
I need to email my art teacher and ask him what on earth I think I'm doing with my life.  He'll totally help.

1 Fab Fans:

Bianka Rose said...

"I want to be that kind of person, but deep down, I'm not." All I can say is....same. I struggle with it all the time, and you know what? It sucks. We tell ourselves these things that are true and by which we should live our lives, but sometimes we don't live like that or we just don't believe it.

It's funny you should post this. I've been wondering some of the same things myself....should I really do art history? It's horribly unmarketable. Maybe I'm more in love with the idea of being a curator rather than the work itself. Should I switch my minor so I could at least get an MBA/Master's in something else or go to law school? And what should I do about this summer? Internship or work, because-let's face it-I'm not going to get paid as a 1st year intern? Conclusion: There are too many decisions and options in life, but I'm grateful I have the freedom to choose.

I really wish I could help you, say "Do this! Do that! Come to BYU! Life will be rosy and you'll absolutely love it!" But that would be a lie. When I find myself wondering these things, I pray and try to listen for an answer. I believe answers come in many ways; a persistent thought, other people, sudden realization, a feeling, etc. I know, that with time, an answer will come in some way or another, because someone is listening and wants to listen to you. (And those last three sentences fall under the "I should not be afraid to share what I believe because it's who I am and I'm not hesitant at all to do something like that since it doesn't really matter what others think of you....but why am I still so reluctant?" category you sort of were talking about.)