Thursday, December 22, 2011

Up at night

In the part of yesterday morning before the sun rose, so I can consider it the night before last.  Or last night.  Or whatever.
I was trying to go to sleep, it was past five, I wasn't tired enough to sleep, i had too much going on in my head.  Like always.

So.  Yeah.  I made a list of all the stuff I wanted to write a blog post about, all the stuff that I needed to get rid of, and now I'm turning that list into a blog post!  Yay!
Fear: I'm not quite sure why fear was on the list.  But, um, fear.  It controls people sometimes, and that's a problem.  Or maybe it's a good thing.  Maybe it's all that's keeping us safe, sometimes.
Don't know how to live:  Do you ever get that feeling where you wonder if you're doing everything (or anything) right?  This is your time/youth and you're wasting it doing *insert thing that I'm doing* when you should be doing something better/worthwhile/productive.  I get that feeling a lot.  I generally learn to cope with it, in whatever crippled way I can manage.  Eh.
Other people and being social:  It used to happen, like a lot, that I'd be sitting at home, being bored, doing nothing and wishing that my friends were free.  Right now, when we're on break, it seems like everyone else is feeling the same way.  In theory, this results in more social activity, and so far, it has.  This is positive.  I like doing things with people.
The next thing on the list is Tavi/my general feelings about fashion and feminism and a lot of stuff.  That's going to take a while to talk about, I'm putting it at the end of this post.  Instead, let's talk about the Beerhorsts.  They live really close to my friend and they are a family of crazy artist hippies in the best way possible and I kind of want to be like them.  And this kid?  I think we should be best friends.  No joke.
It seems like it's all about being happy, and I like that.
The next bullet is Makena/BYU/Mormons/Religion- I'm not quite sure what I had to say about that conglomerate of topics, except that Makena was trying to convince me to come to BYU for school.  Um...I think it is not going to happen.  But it was worth a shot.  And, I mean, Brett Helquist went there, and we all know the passion with which I love him.  And Ken Jennings, QuizBowl rockstar.
Living in the present:  It's good!  It feels alive!  I should do it all the time!
What if I drop out of college and make some bad choices to write a book about later:  To be honest, dropping out of college is forever on the radar of my life.  That's probably not going to change until I'm done with college, when it will no longer be an option, because it's looking like grad school is seriously not on the radar of my life.  MFAs are a little useless.  A lot useless, unless you want to teach, and I don't want to teach art.  I can maybe see myself teaching writing.  I just wonder if I'm getting what I want out of school and such.  And I kind of wonder if I would like the average college experience.  Judging by what my friends have said, it involves a lot of alcohol.  However, the idea of making bad choices solely to write about later is kind of entertaining.  I've always kind of wished that I could quit college and write.
The next bullet point is "Lesbian Sherlock Holmes?  Yay for Sherlock!"  Which...I can't explain.  At all.  Except that...SHERLOCK IS COMING BACK IN JANUARY AHHHHH!  AND I SAW SHERLOCK HOLMES 2 AND IT WAS STELLAR!!!!!  I'm not sure about the lesbian part of that.  But, um, yeah.
I've been staying up far too late and waking up far too late as of late.  This will have to change tomorrow/today, as I'm going to have to leave the house at one in the afternoon.  I'm debating about whether I should stay up all day/night or just try to sleep a bit and wake up at ten or so.  Agh.  I want to be a little more normal in this regard.
The final point is this, except incredibly misspelled - "I want all the people I like to be in the same place all the time" so that we can hang out all the time and they can grow very irritated with me.  Obviously.
That point from earlier that I didn't talk about earlier just because it would've taken forever:  If you haven't seen it already, watch this video.  If you have seen it already, watch it again for good measure.  I'll wait.

My mother never told me that I had to be pretty.  I had to be clean.  I had to be clothed.  I was told I was pretty, but pretty, surely, was not what mattered.  Smart mattered.  Creativity mattered.  Pretty was never that important.  Just like boys, it was nice to have around, sometimes, but surely not all that I should care about.  I am thankful for that.  But as a result of all that, I'm not a person who thinks about their clothes very much.  I wear things that I prettymuch am okay with, but I'm getting to the point where I want a little more than prettymuch okay with how I dress.  This is probably because of The Sartorialist (who I'm not linking to because he's a jerk who doesn't like TAVI, who is a genius rockstar who I adore) and the pretty art school kids.  They all dress really well, even the ones who don't shower very often.  I want to care more about how I dress and what I look like, but I'm not quite sure what I want to dress like.  There are a lot of times when I want to wear a uniform, essentially, the same thing every day.  Like a white shirt and jeans, adding a sweater and scarf when it's cold.  Then, there are other times when I want to look pretty and feminine and wear dresses with ballet flats, and there are other times when I want to layer a bunch of crazy mismatched things that somehow go together just perfectly.
I know I don't have to choose just one, but I would really like to settle on one thing to be happy with one style.  Is that too much to ask for?  I just want to have a personal style without thinking about it too much.
And if I ever get grey hair, I'm going to cut it short and dye it crazy colours and I won't care what anyone thinks about it.

1 Fab Fans:

Luna Moon said...

"There are a lot of times when I want to wear a uniform..." Congratulations, that's basically what most people's style is. Their version of a uniform.