Friday, April 29, 2011

Fiction Friday

Or Old School Fiction Friday.  Or Flashback Fiction Friday.  Or Wait - Is That A School Assignment From Sophomore Year Fiction Friday.

Whatever you want to call it, I was going through an old flash drive and found this.  Philosophes.  In hell.  I distinctly remember thinking that this was hilarious.  And you get to see my casting decisions as well.  Party on.

    An Epic Salon in Hell!


    Samantha-Machiavelli: Believes that the devil should stomp out bad mutinous ideas in hell.


    Emaline-Robespierre: Believes that he should rule, wants to kill everyone.

    Marie-Satan: Welcomes everyone to hell.

 Satan: I am having some issues with my control of hell. There is a newcomer, I think his name is Hitler.  He keeps on trying to take over hell.  It’s ridiculous.  We must stop him.  As a significant philosopher of governmental theory, I have invited you to come and tell me about your opinions on how to best preserve my control of hell at my salon.

Robespierre: That sounds like a fabulous idea.  You know, that’s how I started my whole revolution thing. Maybe we should start with a new title. “Devil” has to go. Sounds too mean.  Perhaps we should try Citizen-

Satan: No, no, no, I don’t want to start a revolution.  I just want to maintain control.

Machiavelli: I can help you maintain control.  I will maintain control.  I can do this.  I am the ninja of maintaining control of large groups of people.

Satan: Really?

Machiavelli: Do you know who I am?  I’m Machiavelli.  Hello.  That means that I’m full of excellent ideas about how to keep the people down.  I love to keep the people down. I love it like zombies love brains.

Satan: How do you suggest we keep the people down?

Machiavelli: You have to be fierce. It’s better if they hate you than if they love you, but you probably can’t have both. It’s a part of life. 

Nietzsche: But, he’s dead.

Machiavelli: Whatever, it’s a figure of speech!

Nietzsche: You have to be Superman!

Satan: Superman? But isn’t he good?

Nietzsche: No, no, no. This is a different kind of Superman. This Superman is a philosopher.

Satan: And this Superman can help me defeat this Hitler?

Nietzsche: Superman can do anything.

You have to outsmart this Hitler

Robespierre: What does he want to do?

Satan: He wants to take over and create a superior race.

Nietzsche: A superior race?

Satan: Yeah-the Aryan race or something.

Nietzsche: Then maybe Hitler should rule. He does have a good quantum of power.

Satan: What? No. I need to keep my position as THE ruler of Hell.

Robespierre: Just kill him. It’s as simple as that. We could use the guillotine, if you like.

Nietzsche: You’re doing it all wrong. We need a Superman. Get him in now!

Machiavelli: I think you should kill Hitler then put his head on a stick. That would make for a nice example.

Robespierre: No, just kill him. Kill them all! Him and his so-called “pure” race.

Satan: What the fork? That would be like half the population. All I need to do is keep control. If there are no people, what the heck am I controlling? Oh yeah….NOTHING!

Robespierre: However this is Hell we are talking about.  People are pretty much dead as it is in this place.  (To Nietzsche and Machiavelli) We should just kill Satan.

Machiavelli: This plan I like.

Nietzsche: This is a very different idea, but I am completely for this plan as well.

Robespierre: Alright let’s come up with a master plan

Machiavelli: Okay so we should just call Hitler, since he murdered thousands in Europe already. Then we shall get rid of Hitler later.

Nietzsche: Hmmmmm….I like this idea quite a lot. It is very dark, but I like it.

Robespierre: I like dark things too!  TO SATAN: Where’s Hitler?

Satan: I have no idea.

Robespierre: Well, that's a problem.  Find him, bring him here.  We’ll take care of him.

Neitzsche: Do you feel bad lying to him?

I think there was more.  There really should be more of this, because it is clearly stellar material.  I'll check at school tomorrow to see if I've saved anything there.  In the meantime, ARTHUR MILLER, GET OFF OF MY RUNWAY.
Edit: I found the rest of it at school. Here it is.  It's very nice.  There are some edits that overlap with what I posted earlier.

Robespierre: I like dark things too! Where’s Hitler?
Satan: What are you whispering about? (whispered)
Robespierre: We’re looking for Hitler so we can kick his butt.
Satan: I’ll show you where he is.
Robespierre, Satan, Nietzsche leave
(Machiavelli stays, smiling sadistically)
Machiavelli: (soliloquy) Well, I want to kill somebody. I feel like Robespierre is my biggest threat. He’s the most Machiavellian, out of everyone there. Is it weird to use your own name as an adjective? Maybe. But I’ve always wanted to be the kind of person who had a name that was an adjective. Or maybe a verb. Could you machevelli that for me? See, doesn’t that sound nice? Yes. Yes it does. It sounds delicious.

Robespierre and Nietzsche come back in

Machiavelli: Where did you lose Satan?

Robespierre and Nietzsche exchange glances and then say “we took care of him”

Machiavelli: I really didn’t think you two would have the guts to do that.

Robespierre: *Angrily* What do you mean? I killed thousands. I ruled all of France.

Machiavelli: Oh yes you did. And whose ideas did you use to do that?

Robespierre: Certainly not yours.
Machiavelli: Shakes head and laughs.
Nietzsche: It’s so funny that you two believe that you can rule. You are mere mortals. You are not supermen. Supermen should clearly be the ones ruling everything. Not you fools.
Machiavelli: And what makes you think that we’re not Supermen?

Nietzsche: You’re not perfect. You don’t possess the kind of features that a Superman has.
Robespierre and Machiavelli glare and walk towards him.
Nietzsche runs away, preferably squeaking.
Machiavelli laughs, smirks, whatever. (Awkward silence…)
Machiavelli: So…who’s going to rule Hell now?

Robespierre: We should have a Hamlet-style fight to the death!

(they fight, they die)

Robespierre: O Fortinbras! He has my dying voice!

1 Fab Fans:

Emaline said...

Good times in AP Euro. Aha, this was amazing. Too bad I didn't actually say the Fortinbras line....that would have been pretty great.