Sunday, July 4, 2010

Just so you know

I just finished Guns, Germs, and Steel. This is an accomplishment, but realize that when I say that I finished it, I mean I got to the epilogue. Harry Potter taught me that nothing good can come from reading past the end of the book. I mean, Hermione/Ron? No. That's just wrong. Nothing good can come from that ship. And who thought that Tom Felton should have a beard in the film version? That was a really bad choice. He's hot. With that beard, he just looks gross. And Harry, give your children better names. The epilogue starts on page 403, but the book ends on page 518, so it's more like I finished the book, sans prologue and epilogue.
You know what this connects to? The other book I recently finished, Empire Falls. It was kind of dumb, mostly because nothing happens in the first 400 pages. If you're going to write that much backstory, call it a prologue so I know to skip over it. And also, a school shooting is taking the easy way out. Really? That was pathetic. It was just like "So, these people live in this small town and everything happens at this diner and they're going to merge with this bar so they can sell alcohol and there's this kid who's kind of messed up and btw, he dumped his grandma's body in garbage and then he shot up his art class (no one ever shoots up their art class. They go to the cafeteria and shoot up the jocks. Really, I learned this shit from wikipedia, where I learn everything else) and then our favourite main characters get the fuck out of Maine."
I can explain the plot of every book I've ever read in long, drawn out sentences.
The Art of Keeping Cool, which I read thrice before I realized that I'd read it before? WWII, kid's dad is in the army, he moves in with his grandparents and spends a lot of time with his cousin, finds out something that's not that exciting of a secret and kinda hates his grandpa for it, and his mom leaves stuff out of his dad's letters when she reads them to him and his sister.
Dude, it's been like four years since I read that book.
Anna Karenina, which is like 800 pages long? I'm Anna Karenina and I'm Russian, I went to hang out with my brother and make sure his wife doesn't leave him and while I was doing so, I met this other guy, Vronsky, who just happens to have the same first name as my husband and then later on, I move in with him and have a kid with him, and then way later, I throw myself in front of a train.
Catcher in the Rye, which every tenth grader in the universe is required to read? I'm Holden and I'm pretty angsty and I just got kicked out of my fancy pants prep school, and I'm going to New York and I'm wearing this red had and asking some questions about ducks because I'm the duck and what happens to me in the winter when the pond freezes over?
You're welcome for that bit of literary education that I just gave you, free of charge. I accept gummy worms as your thanks to me.
Also, if I eat a lot of gummy worms, couldn't it be said that I eat a diet of worms? Get it? Get it? Every time I think of that, I laugh my head off. It's my facebook status right now.
I might be a dork.
In other news, me wanting to go to church alone today turned into a three hour expedition to my grandparent's house. Sometimes, I get angry at my mother. I realize that I should never tell her where I'm going. How long 'till I move out again? Less than a year? Good.

5 Fab Fans:

Bianka Rose said...

Tom Felton looks incredible in a black suit. Just saying.
And thank you for your interpretation of "Empire Falls." I feel like I no longer need to read it. I appreciate it.
Your bit of literary education was priceless, by the way. I would love to hear your synopsis of other books.

Luna Moon said...

I stopped reading this entry. You were giving away the end and middle of Empire Falls, which I'm enjoying, by the way.

Samantha said...

Emaline-Agreed. I just saved you how much time and money? Which other books do you want to hear about? Make a list, and I can make that happen.
Michelle-Skip down to the next paragraph, and you're good to go. Next time I see you, I'll try not to blank on WGWG. Sorry.

Bianka Rose said...

You saved me so much time and money that I practically owe you money.
I want to hear your version of "Things Fall Apart," "Paper Towns," and "Rebecca." I am muchly interested in hearing those.

Samantha said...

I should look into selling this service. It's quite useful.
Things fall apart: Mom picked it up from the library today and I'm not at all excited about having to read it.
Paper Towns:I'm Q and I'm madly in love with margo roth spegelmen, the girl who lives next door and wouldn't give me the time of day, and she woke me up one night and then we did a bunch of crazy shit and then she was missing the next morning and she left me a bunch of clues which led me to a paper town in new york with 200 beers and 3 friends in my car because Margo is what Samantha's grandma calls a "sociopath".
Rebecca: So I married this guy who's kind of strange and his housekeeper kind of really hates me because she loved this guy's first wife who drowned, but then halfway through there's this costume party and the shit hits the fan and apparently he killed his first wife, but it's all good because I feel a lot closer to him now, like the fact that my husband is a murderer makes me feel a lot safer.