Floating

I'm feeling odd, uncomfortable, listless right now.  I don't like it very much.

I need to email both of my old art teachers, to ask them their opinions of what I should do.  I know it's what I need to do, and I know that talking to them would help me figure it out, but I can't quite figure out what to say.  I can't figure out what to say because deep down, I don't want to email them at all, I want to think about this on my own and feel trapped for days, rather than admitting that I did something wrong, made the wrong choice, and failed because of it.

I am not particularly sure that I want to go back to Kendall next year.  I don't know if this is just a situation of being scared of commitment to an institution, or if this is something bigger and more serious.  I feel like I'm hearing stories of how much my friends all LOVE COLLEGE SO MUCH and I'm kind of like "Eh.  I mean, I guess it's okay." and I don't know if that's just a feature of me being me, or if that's an issue of the college that I go to and the program that I'm in.  The whole reason I picked Kendall over some other school was the furniture program, but now I'm not sure about it.  This feels like the first weekend I was in GR, before classes started, before I really knew anyone at all.  I remember being overwhelmed by the feeling that I was doing something incredibly wrong.  This feels a little deeper, as though I'm going to keep on feeling like this unless I do something to change it.  And I am, doing something to change it, at least.  Fifteen-Seventeen is a new project of mine.  I finished up the first post for it today, after much wringing of hands about a suitable topic.  I need to write a next post, and a next one, and another one after that, but I have no idea how to generate original content.  I just want everything to be absolutely perfect, and I'm paralyzed by the need to make it so.  I feel as though I don't know what I'm doing at all.  I'm on spring break right now, back in Novi, and it feels like I know a reasonable amount about design, given that I'm surrounded by people who don't know much of anything about it.  When I'm at school, it feels more like I don't know anything and I'm not learning anything.  I don't like the feeling, that I'm not learning anything.  I know that I've gotten better at drawing, and that I know more about art history than I did at the beginning of the year, but other than that?  About furniture?  What did I learn in Intro to Furniture, other than the fact that the department has no communication, or else they would realize that people need to take Drafting for Design before they take Intro to Furniture, especially if they'd like people to know anything about detailing.  Also, Drafting.  It's causing me so much rage, I'm going to avoid talking about it.  The internet is a public place, and there's nothing preventing my drafting teacher from reading this blog.  I hoped to grow, creatively, but I don't feel like I've done so as much as I would have in a different place.  3D has been pretty good, if we can just repress the memory of critique from last Tuesday.  It was not good.  It did not go well.  I have not received my grade yet, and like opening AP or ACT scores, I'm not quite sure that I'd like to know.  But, of course, it's art school and grades don't matter, it's all about what you learned.  I had my Art History test on Thursday too, something else to worry about.

If there's one thing spring break is good for, it's worrying about school.  And going on fantastic road trips with friends from your high school quizbowl team to Pittsburgh and Niagara Falls.  It was awesome, thanks for asking.

I miss quizbowl.  A lot.

I feel like there's nothing keeping me at Kendall, nothing that I've grasped onto and felt anchored to.  I've tried, I think.  I was going to the writer's group for a while, but they really seemed like a group of friends who all took over writing club, and didn't particularly welcome anyone new.  They're the people who hang out on the second-floor balcony, constantly occupied.  I went to Kendall Christian Fellowship for a while too, but it felt like I was playing up religion more than I was really comfortable with, and they were kind of more than I could handle.  I was reminded of this woman who I worked with in the election last year, who mentioned how God had blessed her or how her faith in Jesus had helped her with something near constantly.  If that's how people feel, I don't have a problem with that, but it's not how I feel about my faith.  Since I've been taking 3D and being more interested in sculpture, I've been going to the Functioneers, the functional art club.  They seem like they're interested in actually doing things and participating in the local art community, which is contrary to the way a lot of groups seem to do things.  I'm also participating in the school literary journal, which has potential to be pretty great.  I'm trying to do things and be involved and make friends, but I didn't expect it to be this difficult at all.  I think there might be some difference in how socially abled I perceive myself to be and how socially abled I actually am, in that I distort my awkwardness and shyness to be a far bigger deal than they are.  Maybe it's because Kendall feels like a commuter college, like I'm going to U of M Dearborn or Wayne State or something, not quite like going away to school.  Other people have mentioned that Kendall sometimes feels like the community college of art schools, and I see where they're coming from.  Maybe it would feel different if I lived in 5 Lyon, the apartment/dorm thing, I dunno.  It'd be nice to live that close to school, but for that much money, I could have my own apartment, not share one with three other people.

All of this makes me wonder if I should transfer somewhere else, and if so, where, and to study what.  I could get into and afford any of the public universities in Michigan, with the possible exception of U of M Ann Arbor.  If I went to one of them, what would I study?  Study art, coming from a school that's far more focused on the subject, and therefore, a better place to study it?  Art history?  That one's guaranteed to lead to a job in the field.  English, you have the same problem.  What else?  History?  Maybe this is a problem rooted in middle class notions of going to college so you can get a good job so you can afford to buy a house and send your kids to college, but I feel like I need to study something that I'll be able to use in a career, of some sort.  I feel like I could spend a year just making the decision to transfer somewhere else, but if I'm going to transfer, I need to know right about now, so that I can get a portfolio together (if it's an art school) or get an application in for winter semester.  I would take a year or a semester off from school, if I thought that I would do anything productive in that year and not just wallow in self-pity while pretending to work on a novel.

I need to write something worth reading.

I need to be more focused.  I need to do well in school.  I need to stop worrying.  I need to be smarter.  I need to be better, overall.  I just need to figure my shit out, really.  That's all I need.

Getting out of this town wouldn't hurt either.  Every time I'm back, I remember how little there is to do.

I need to go to bed, Justin's going to wake me up tomorrow, needing a ride to school, and nothing about that situation is going to be pretty.

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